I Feel Like Everyone Secretly Hates Me

Anxiety is something that I've dealt with for a long time, before I even knew what the word meant. 

I feel like I should say I'm writing this at 2am after watching Zoella's latest vlogmas (yes! I know that was about a month ago, I had loads of blog posts scheduled before this!) But her message made me feel so inspired and sparked something in me so I just had to write about it and share it- especially since at the moment I feel like my anxiety is beginning to take over. 

WHAT IS ANXIETY 

So, for those who aren't completely familiar with what anxiety is I will try to explain it as best as I can - although I'm still learning myself and anxiety is such a personal thing that effects people individually in so many ways (making it even more difficult to explain!) Anxiety to me is a persistent worry and a feeling of dread, this can sometimes be about something in particular (ie. having too much work to do or talking to new people) but can also (often!) be about nothing at all - there are so many times that I'm just going about my day in my house and all of a sudden Im in tears and can't explain to my boyfriend why I am sobbing!!  Mainly my anxiety is based on other people's view of me and I can't help but feel like EVERYONE is watching and judging my every move! (this is obviously not the case however, it's difficult as an anxious person to see past that!) Obviously as anxiety effects people in different ways there are so many other examples of anxiety but I won't sit and talk about all of them, because this post is getting longer by the minute!!

MY STORY



Anxiety is something that has effected me for as long as I can remember, however, it was not until last year that I actually started to label it as an 'anxiety disorder.' I was always a worrier as a child and teenager, often becoming shy in front of people to the point where my heart would beat so fast I'd become light headed, I would also find it difficult to shop in a busy town by myself - as I would believe that everyone who walked past was judging me. But it wasn't until last year that I built up the confidence to admit that I am a sufferer of anxiety (ironic I know!) and now that I have a little more knowledge on it, I can look back on past and see that my actions as a child and teen were probably down to an anxiety disorder. 

I finally came down to the conclusion that I have anxiety because during my first year of university my levels of anxiety were getting out of control and people were beginning to notice more and more. Obviously as any typical student I would go out drinking (...way too much!) It started of as fun and I would often stay out until the morning dancing and drinking with my friends perfectly fine! I can't remember the exact night it happened but I started to get panic attacks every time I got drunk - like they were REALLY bad... to the point where I would cry down the phone to my boyfriend for hours, begging him to drive over to my house because I NEEDED him! (he lived 2 hours away...) After the attack I could obviously see that this is completely irrational, but when you're panicking its really difficult to think rationally. I panicked about 20 times in around 2 months because I wanted to drink and be a normal student and every time I believed that I could get through the night without an attack. My anxiety in general began to worsen too, to the point where I would miss University because I didn't want to leave the house - or my bedroom at all. 
So after 6 months I decided it was about time I seeked help, (ironically I was worried about going to the doctors.. to get help for worrying...) I booked an appointment with my doctor who gave me helpful advice and hotline numbers I can call. She also thought it would suit me to be on tablets - at first I was a bit reluctant to use them, mainly because I didn't was to become dependent of them (you know, strong independent woman and all that!) but I did try them and they actually really helped me. 

My anxiety lessened until about 2 months ago, where it came back in a different way. I haven't had a panic attack in a long while - since I've agreed with myself that I can't handle getting drunk anymore. But at the moment I'm finding it difficult to leave my house because I think I've made my house my comfort zone, I find it really easy to skip university because I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I also turn down so many plans with my friends and have grown to not have much of a social life at all. (to be honest, I don't mind this at all, because I do like to be by myself) However, Zoe's vlog has really inspired me to do something about it again! She talked about how you shouldn't just deal with anxiety you should try to overcome it - yes you can cover the anxiety over with tablets but it's not going to cure you! She also mentioned how you can't let anxiety define and control you, you should control your anxiety - this really hit home because I do honestly feel like I'm drowning in my anxiety sometimes, I've lost my social life and I am beginning to lose my grades because I can't stand up to the silly irrational thoughts in my head! 



Zoella was such a help to me when I was first discovering that I might have anxiety so I will link her videos and blog posts below, if you or someone you know is suffering with anxiety or thinks they might be, I urge you to read through her blog posts and watch her videos - they truly insprired me to seek help and helped me to come to grips with the fact that I do have anxiety disorder. 

Also, I'm always up for a chat if any of you need advice, I'm always around on twitter (@jemmasimplelife) feel free to DM me anytime I would love to have a chat and help some of you out or even just remind you that you aren't alone! :) 


18 comments :

  1. It's so brave of you to write this blog post. So many people suffer from anxiety so you're definitely not alone in it. It's great that Zoella's blog posts and videos have helped you, and I'm sure that this blog post will help others.
    I hope you've had a lovely Christmas and Happy New Year! :)

    http://IAmLinderella.blogspot.co.uk

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  2. Thanks so much :) that's so lovely to hear and it really means a lot to me! I really do hope that this post does help others, that would be truly amazing!
    I hope you've had a lovely new year and Christmas too! x

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  3. When I saw the title I had milion thoughts rushing trough my mind. :D You're not alone, I have the same problem. I've been in situations where I would skip so many great events just because I thought that people will judge me If I come. But seeing so many people talking about this online definetley helps. I hope other people will talk more about this aswell and share their tips how to beat the anxiety and panick attacks.

    Thank you Jemma. Lots of love! xx

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    1. Awh sweetie! Thanks so much for all the support, you really are so lovely! I love all of the lovely advice and support I've got online, the blogging community is an amazing place! xx

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  4. I love this! I have GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) I can relate to so much of this. I think this is a great post, it helps people who don't suffer with anxiety get informed about it by someone who suffers. Well done! Xx

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    1. Thanks so much :) I'm glad you enjoyed this post! I really do hope I can help at least a handful of people! x

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  5. So many people out there are suffering from anxiety and I am one of those people as well. Zoella is a great inspiration and you are really brave for posting this. I am with you and I believe you can over come it! x

    -Leta | The Nerdy Me

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    1. Thanks so much for supporting me! You're too kind! x

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  6. I hope that you will get through this. It was very brave of you to seek help and try to help others as well with this post. May you have a blessed 2016 :)

    Olive Needs Popeye

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    1. Thanks so much! That's lovely :) x

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  7. Thank you so much for sharing your story! Anxiety is a very difficult thing to live with, so it's inspiring to see someone doing something about it.
    It's something I will be working on this year!
    Steph x.
    marvelsteph.blogspot.co.nz

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    1. I hope to inspire as many people as I can! :)
      I'm glad you're doing something about it - there are so many different things you can do! You don't have to just put up with it forever! x

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  8. I came across your blog from another and someone mentioned your post. First off, you're so brave for sharing your story. Second, I 100% agree with you. I have been letting my anxiety rule my life and control me for the past few years. There has to be a time when you have to stop letting it win. You have to take control. This is something I am going to try work on this year and I won't stop until I have control of my life again.

    Thanks for the reminder and of course, the inspiration x

    itslaurenvictoria.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. I'm so so glad I inspired you to think this way! We really shouldn't let our anxiety control us, we should control it and live our lives the way we want to! I wish you all the best for learning to control this - I believe in you! x

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  9. I feel exactly the same as you; always thinking people are talking about me or that they hate me for whatever reason.

    Thank you for sharing your story and I hope things get better for you.

    Sophie x
    www.booksandbeauty.co.uk

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    1. It's nice to read these comments and be reminded that I'm not the only one feeling this way! :) We can all get through this together!

      Thanks so much lovely :) I hope things get better for you too! x

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  10. Aw, Jemma, bless you. It's so hard dealing with anxiety, especially when you're even anxious about being anxious. You're not alone, I totally get where you're coming from. Always just a message away x

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    1. Thanks so much lovely :) I love reading lovely comments like this! It's nice to feel supported and like I'm not alone :) x

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